Bear with this entry, I've had a few entries brewing in my head and I'm going to try and knock them out while I have a moment.
1. Lexi was in her jumparoo this evening, bouncing happily along. I picked her up to get her ready for bed, smelled that unmistakeable smell. Went to change her diaper....and discovered that poop had migrated out of the diaper, all up her back, her arms, her neck! What I figure is, she pooped while jumping and kept jumping...propelling the poop up further with each bounce. I yelled for Art, he grabbed her and plunked her down in a bath while I dealt with the mess on the changing table, the onsie, the pajamas, my hands....
We're really parents now! We've survived our first poop up the back diaper blowout!
2. I think I may leave Lexi for her first overnight with Grandma and Grandpa Saturday night. I want her to get used to sleeping over there while she's still so little, too young to really realize I'm not there. I want sleeping at the Grands to be normal to her so Art and I can one day go away just the two of us! Yet, I'm a nervous wreck about it. I'm worrying that she will realize I'm not there and wake up and wonder why I've abandoned her and cry and cry and cry; I'm worrying that my parents will drop her or let her cry or not hear her cry at night or get annoyed with having to wake up a few times a night or not feed her enough or feed her too much...and on and on. My parents have cats and I'm worried about her breathing in that cat hair or getting it in her mouth. Did I mention I'm worried about them dropping her? My parents, of course, are thrilled and so excited. Mom has called me twice a day, all week to tell me about the preparations they are making. Tell me it will be fine, that Lexi will not know I'm not there, will not need therapy for abandonment issues from this.
3. Motherhood is...so much more challenging than I ever thought. Ever. Seriously. There's this "dirty little secret" part of it that no one really talks about. The isolation it can bring....the boredom. You all know I adore my daughter and love her with all I've got but there are days when I think, "what have I done?" Today, for example, I really felt like I was going crazy. Lexi didn't sleep well last night, so I was cranky and exhausted and so was she. She wouldn't nap much today either. I felt so.....stir-crazy. After laying on the floor with her and shaking rattles for her to grab and singing songs, reading a book, etc. we took a looong walk; when we got back I felt desperate as to what to do next. Lay on the floor and play again? Put her in her jumparoo and take time for myself? I opted for play time again. While playing I felt so, I hate to say it.....bored! I began to wish for the Lexi of the future who I can color with and use Play-doh with and take to the zoo and the beach and just out to do stuff. Then I realized that when she's old enough for all that, I'll be back to work. Then I got all depressed thinking how I'm going to miss the "fun" part of her childhood, that a preschool will get to do all those things with her. I began to brainstorm ways I could stay home till she's in kindergarten. Short of winning the lottery, we can't do it. More depression. All of this, while at the same time WISHING TO BE BACK AT WORK! I miss the intellectual stimulation, the getting out of the house each day, the sense of purpose, the being a respected professional.
Can we say crazy? Wanting to stay home and be at work at the same time!? Loving my girl yet being so bored with how our days play out some time?! How am I going to do this for another year? How am I going to go back and leave her at the end of the year!?
Did any of you mothers out there feel like this? Bored? A little crazy from being at home?
Then I drive myself crazy overthinking everything. Some days I'm thinking I'm not stimulating her enough. I don't really know what to do. Aside from the books and rattle type things and walk..what do I do with a 3 month old? I worry that letting her play by herself in her crib, or her bouncy or the jumparoo for a little bit is "neglect", then I worry that not letting her play by herself will create a brat who can't entertain herself.
All this while falling in love with her more each day. Insanity.
4. The other day I was suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude and love for S, Lexi's birthmom. I email her pictures a couple times a month, but I haven't heard from her in quite a while. It all started when I remembered something she had written to me in an email about 2 weeks before Lexi's birth. She wrote, "the baby is moving around a lot, it's really active, kicking and turning." Now that I have Lexi...I picture her "moving around a lot". I picture Lexi in S's womb, growing and moving around. I picture her personality in there. I remember how she looked the moment she was born and extrapolate back and imagine her in the womb, with all her features and expressions.
This is why I'm pro-life. This is why I feel such gratitude to S for choosing adoption, not abortion. S did think about abortion, she told us. Think of that....Lexi could have...not been. It's not that I wouldn't have her or have a child now, it's that HER, her personality and cuteness and loveableness would not exist. That makes me think of the babies that are aborted...who were they? What would they have been?
And I am just overwhelmed with love for S; what she did, what she gave up, the sacrifice she made. She carried Lexi for 9 months, felt her moving around, went through labor and still (still!) followed through with her adoption plan. I want to shower her with thanks for creating this beautiful baby, for sheltering her for 9 months, for taking care of herself all that time.
I want to find a way to express this to S, but I don't want to do it just to please myself. She may not want to hear from me, she may be doing everything she can to distance herself from this and my expression of thanks may just remind her of what she wants to forget.
I'll have to give it some thought, maybe contact our social worker for some advice.
5. I want to go somewhere. It's summer. I'm bored. I haven't been anywhere for a long time. I have travel wanderlust going on.
OK, I think that's all!
